


twink dressing 101

by tertulia



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Awkward Flirting, Bang Chan is Whipped, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Flirting, Fishnets, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Lowercase, M/M, Mentioned Seo Changbin, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Rated for swearing, Slice of Life, Twink culture, and also, and hm. spicy thoughts, chan in a crop top, crop tops?, felix is a Really Good friend, mentioned hyunchan, minho is oblivious, uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-05-31 20:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15126950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tertulia/pseuds/tertulia
Summary: chan has been in love with minho ever since they drunkingly met at a party. it seems just fitting that they get together in the same way they met.or,felix challenges chan to wear a crop top and fishnets in hyunjin's party, and it wakes something in minho.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this during my vacation, and oh boy. it wasn't supposed to be this big, but i got carried away. i promise i just wanted to write chan in a crop top

chan wanted to believe he was a strong minded guy that didn’t cave in to felix’s bad ideas. he truly just wanted to go home after his classes and drink away his day, maybe watch one or two movies and then go to sleep to prevent any tipsy message to minho. yet, he found himself pulling out his phone at his college’s gate, bored out of his mind as he waited for jisung to grab his stuff so they could go home together, and he just knew felix would pester him to death if he didn’t come over.

 **felix** : yo

 **felix** : come

 **felix** : its an emergency

 **chan** : if this is changbin related

 **chan** : i swear bitch

 **chan** : im burning all of ur fishnets

 **felix** : its not

 **felix** : but if u ever say that again im asking minhos number to jisung

 **felix** : beware bitch. the twinks are united to end you

so he threw his phone in his bag, gathered all the affection for felix he had, and prayed it wasn’t one of his dumb ideas that would get him in trouble. when jisung came around, distracted and holding his guitar carefully, chan almost whined for him to take him to his and minho’s house instead of felix’s, but decided midway that it wouldn’t be worth the heartache.

“sungie-yah, can you take me to felix’s apartment? he lives just a few blocks from where i live.” he tried to blink off the sleepiness from his eyes while mumbling tiredly, dress shirt’s sleeves rolled up to his elbows making him shiver as the breeze passed him by.

“sure, hyung. is felix one of changbin’s friends?” jisung asked, voice loud and happy as it always was, pressing his hand to chan’s back as he guided him to a well known car in the end of the street.

he didn’t have to support him with his hands, but chan always felt cared for with jisung, and all of those little actions made his heart just a bit warmer as he walked slowly to the younger boy’s car. jisung just always seemed to know when he was tired, always seemed to understand better than everyone else, and he smelled a bit like minho.

minho. his sleep induced mind made sure to remind him of minho, spreading even more warmth to his body as his stomach started to feel lighter and his head a lot weaker. he decided that he really liked minho and all of the people around him. jisung, minho’s best friend and the reason they met in the first place, was a close second to things about him he liked. the first one, of course, had to be the minho’s absolute everything.

“yeah, something like that.” he answered, looking away as he felt the other’s hand burn his cold skin a bit. it was nice.

“rough day, hyung?” jisung asked, genuinely worried, caressing chan’s back gingerly.

“not rough. just really exhausting.” and that no one would question, given chan’s deep eyebags and even deeper frown. he hated being tired, but he hated being unable to sleep even more, so he didn’t think of one reason why he accepted going to felix’s other than his own mind wanting to ruin his body.

“get some sleep, hyungie. it’ll cheer you up.” the younger one stopped touching him as he opened the door to his car, sliding in the driver’s seat as chan sat in the passenger’s one beside him heavily. “besides, minho hyung wouldn’t like seeing you like this. i thought he told you to rest when he’s not around.”

chan was weak. weak, in love and so tired. he doesn’t have the heart to tell jisung he hasn’t been talking to minho as much as he would like to, he doesn’t know how to form the words in his mouth, so he hums, agreeing.

“i’m going to rest when i get to felix’s. neither you or minho have to worry about me, sungie.” he tries to make it softer, to pronounce it gently, but he knows that whatever jisung knows about him and minho is more than chan himself does. he knows that the younger wouldn’t just mention him out of the blue if he didn’t know chan was considerably softer when it came to jisung’s best friend.

“that’s… going to be hard to convince him of.” jisung whispers, already plugging his keys to the car. chan convinces himself he didn’t hear it.

the ride was quiet. it wasn’t that long of a distance to felix’s place, anyways, and chan had his eyes closed most of the time, lulled by the faint sound of the motor working and the city lights flashing through the windows. it would be awkward if it were another time of the day, but the night always brought something specifically taciturn about them. it made jisung calm down and actually look serene, and it made chan less defensive, less proud.

when they were almost there, jisung’s phone lighted up with a call, identifier showing minho’s name in bright letters, and chan motioned to pick it up as his friend was still driving. his heart seemed to be the size of a tiny rock as he pressed his fingers in the screen, wrenched in longing and overwhelmingly in love.

“jisungie, hello?” minho’s voice came through the speakers, rough as if he just woke up and unnecessarily drawn out.

minho usually talked so slow when he was sleepy, chan’s mind reminded him. that thought alone seemed to unroot a whole waterfall of memories in his mind, such as minho’s laugh muffled by the covers, his eyes facing chan, his hands softly resting on chan’s neck as he giggled. if he could just close his eyes again, he felt as if he could be there again. as if he were close to him once more, buried in minho’s pillows with his cats as the sun came out and the moon started sliding down to meet another lover.

“it’s me, channie. jisung is driving.” truth is, he didn’t know why he was nervous. minho most probably wouldn’t have even noticed they didn’t talk for a week, being all busy with dance practice and his usual classes. he just wished minho would reach out for him, make him feel loved, but something deep in this core knew that it was selfish to want that.

“channie hyung!” he could hear minho grinning through the call. “how are you? you sound tired.”

there were things that minho noticed. there were things he didn’t.

one he always did seem to perceive was chan’s sadness. if he went through a particularly bad day, or didn’t get enough rest,minho would be the first one to point it out and confront him about it. however, minho never were truly attentive enough to maybe realize that chan has been in love with him since the night they spent together, drinking and talking and making the world a lot less insufferable to each other.

“i’m fine, minho-yah.” he gulped around his words, trying to keep it as nonchalant as he could. “do you want me to pass the phone to jisung?”

“oh. right. no! it can wait, and he’s driving, so it’s better not to disturb him. can’t risk having both of you hurt.”

his words made him feel some sort of way, some shade of love he hasn’t come to know yet. minho always talked as if he were very sure of his fondness, and it wrecked him to the point he had no choice but to keep himself safe. chan could be selfless, and he couldn’t care less about his health, but seeing minho upset because of his lack of self love was too hard to handle.

chan turned to jisung, motioning his hands and mouthing that minho would call him later. the other gave him a curious look, taken aback by the way he undeniably lighted up at minho’s call. chan almost forced himself to look exhausted again.

“we won’t get hurt, don’t worry.” chan’s tongue was itching to ask minho where he was, if he ate well, how was his day and if he was as disappointed as him when they didn’t make time to talk.

“are you coming over, chanie?”

chan ignored the absence of honorifics as his heart squeezed badly with want. he wished he was coming over, but that would be a stupid move and he knew so much better. besides, minho’s always cuddly when night comes, and he’d rather die than give in and have his heart broken after morning comes, when minho leaves to class and he remembers that they’re just good friends.

“i can’t come over, min.” the nickname rolls of his tongue before he even considers it, sweetly washing the bitterness off his mouth. “felix asked me to visit him today and i told him i’d go.”

“but you’re always hanging out with felix!” minho whines petulantly. “we haven’t seen each other in a week! you’re always attached to this felix boy and i don’t even know him!”

he tells himself it doesn’t mean anything. that minho is always sulky and easily jealous of his friends. that wanting his presence also didn’t mean anything.

“he’s a friend of mine that came from australia too. you two would get along well.” they wouldn’t. felix is loud and playful and bright, everything that minho already has in jisung. they’d probably hate each other, since felix tends to be a bit overprotective and clingy with chan.

“i don’t care. he’s taking all of your time and leaving me with none!” he could see minho in his bed, all sleepy and comfortable, looking like he just fell out of chan’s dreams as he sulked tiredly.

he almost asked jisung to take him to their shared apartment. almost.

“min, i have to go. we’re getting closer to where he lives. bye!” chan half lies, panicked. yes, they were close to felix’s place, but it wasn’t close enough that he needed to turn off jisung’s phone. he just didn’t want to hear minho whine.

“alright.” minho mumbled, slightly bothered but letting him off for the time being. chan suppressed a sigh. “have fun, hyung. bye.”

he tossed jisung’s phone back in the other’s pocket, pressing his head to the car’s window with a yawn. he didn’t feel like talking, so his eyes were drained to the blurred red lights that came from the city’s background. he heard jisung moving and he heard the vague sound of his radio playing a song that he didn’t know well, but sounded bittersweet enough for him to close his eyes and actually feel the melody.

it had comforting lyrics, with actual instruments rather than a production. the way its words seemed to sink into chan’s skin made him close his eyes and purse his lips, letting them wash over him like a shower of his nicest memories. music always made him reach into the places of his mind he rarely saw, like his childhood’s house’s backyard or learning korean with woojin through skype. it made him lean on his best friends’ laugh and all those times changbin made him giggle the sadness away, tears forgotten somewhere in the trash can. music made him find something to keep him alive for.

minho had the same effect as music on him.

he hears the singer talk to his lover through the song, asking them if they had a tough day and saying they’d rather hurt than letting they cry. somehow, it touched him a bit too much than it normally would, and he fell in love all over again, but not sure with what exactly. he looked over to jisung, doe eyes trained in the road as he hummed lightly, and he knew why his heart seemed to hurt and heal at the same time.

he wondered if one could fall in love with a moment, because the chores of the song matched the warmth in his stomach and in his face, even if his hands were cold. he wondered if he’d ever get that feeling again, if minho would ever understand him and if changbin would, some day, get married. he asked himself a lot of things, but the one that seemed to last longer was something only time could answer.

will i stay like this forever or my life will change somewhere along the way?

he wasn’t sure what he wanted the answer to be. he just realized he didn’t want to be alone that night, and that he was actually really grateful for felix. chan would make sure to tell him that.

when they got to his apartment, only a few minutes after chan’s little epiphany, he left jisung with a kiss on his cheek that made both of their cheeks red. they were very good friends, but chan normally wasn’t one to initiate physical contact. yet, he felt thankful and he didn’t know how to express it if not pressing his lips to the other’s cold cheeks, something jisung liked a lot, because he was always asking for kisses.

“good night, sung-ah!” he said, walking over to felix’s building and disappearing through the doors.

as he waited in the elevator, his phone rang loudly, echoing through the tiny walls and scaring his calm heart. as he picked it up, minho’s photo came to his vision, two unread messages displaying themselves on the screen.

 **min** : can u pls pls pls

 **min** : come to hyunjin’s party tomorrow

chan felt uneasy. partying with minho meant dealing with drunk, touchy feely minho, and he’s not sure if he wants to hear the other complain about how much he loves chan and how his hair smells nice for an hour or so before he passes away from drinking too much. all of the overly affectionate things minho does normally don’t mean anything, since he saw him doing it to at least _three_ different strangers in a bathroom once.

but, chances are that changbin goes to the party. and if changbin goes, felix surely will trail behind, half because he wants to get in changbin’s pants and half because he wants to also get in hyunjin’s pants. which, honestly, chan couldn’t blame him for. he’s had drunk make out sessions with hyunjin before, enough to know that he’s too pretty to be humanly possible. they’re friends, though. hyunjin would never make him feel as in love as minho does, and he knows hyunjin feels the same.

 **chan** : i mean i could

 **chan** : and bin would probably make me go anyway

 **chan** : but now im curious

 **chan** : why do u want me to go

he puts his phone down again as the elevator’s doors open, passing through them and opening felix’s apartment without giving it a second thought because it’s always unlocked. he enters his friend’s house tiredly, taking his shoes off and dropping his bag to the floor as he sprints over the dark living room and throws himself on the sofa loudly.

chan hears felix padding towards him, sees him approaching his laid figure and just watches as he drapes himself over chan, head pressed on his extended arm and dark hair tickling his chin. familiar. felix felt familiar and home-y, which made him burrow further and allow the other to throw an arm around him.

felix always smelled like the sunscreen he used to have when chan lived in australia and went to the beach almost every weekend. probably because felix uses it a lot, saying that he wants to avoid having more freckles, even though chan really likes the painted dots on his cheeks.

“hi, hyung.” he greets, voice low and as gentle as it can be. his breath tickles chan’s face.

“hi, lix. what happened?”

“nothing too much.” felix played with the hem of chan’s shirt, voice quiet. “i just knew you’d be feeling bad today. it’s been a week, hasn’t it?”

sometimes chan forgets how observative felix can be. even if he knew chan wasn’t talking to minho, he didn’t expect him to catch up on his humor and see right through his tired smiles and lame jokes.

“yeah.” he wonders if he should tell him about having talked to minho today. probably not. but if not felix, then who would he tell? changbin doesn’t really know a thing about love. “we talked today. briefly.”

“how so?” felix looked at him curiously, fingers coming up to brush under his eyes carefully.

“he called while jisung was driving and i picked it up. plus, he texted me.” chan answered, closing his eyes and feeling fingertips graze over his thick lashes gently.

felix was touch starved, and he always felt the urge to make his fingers meet what he could see. chan didn’t mind it, though, because it felt good and his hands were curious, always hyperactive and never quite sure. his lack of bother with felix’s clingy nature kept surprising him as time passed by, guessing that his type of love had to be something quite like that; to accept one’s touch even if his skin wasn’t used to being loved.

“oh.” the younger one whispers back, strands of hair falling in front of his eyes delicately. he smiles, but chan wasn’t sure if it was out of happiness or exasperation. “you look very tired, hyung. do you want to stay the night?”

chan asked himself if he did, hands coming to comb through the mess in felix’s head out of habit, bothered by the hair covering his eyes. to be completely honest with himself, he didn’t felt like staying over and waking up to his friend’s loud noises or his neighbor’s dog barking extridently. but, he probably would feel better if he did, since being alone wasn’t something that he felt particularly affection for.

“i need to tell changbin if i do.” at the boy’s mention, felix eyes snapped open, suddenly paying attention. “felix, your crush is showing.”

“yeah, but you already know that i like him, so why should i refrain myself?” the younger sat up in the couch, placing his hands on chan’s head and moving it to his lap, pushing one curly strand teasingly.

“that’s too reasonable for you to say. are you sure you’re alright?” chan joked, eyes closing as his muscles finally untense.

he suppresses a whine, his eyelids, heavily placed over his eyes, coming to shut themselves without further warning. perhaps he could sleep it all away, wake up and feel nothing more than felix’s hands on his hair and the smell of sunscreen and some perfume changbin gave to felix once. consciousness started to swim away from him, leaving chan in a state of half dreaming he didn’t oppose to. his back relaxed as sleep induced him into calming waves, the image of a beach tattooed in his lids. he was out in a few minutes, tiredness finally getting to him.

 

  
when he woke up again, the lights were out and there was a cover spreaded over him. felix was nowhere to be seen, but he could hear a faint noise coming from the kitchen and the smell of food in the air managed to open his eyes, even if they felt like they were pressed shut for a good reason. his limbs didn’t seem to remember what their function was, so he just stayed against the couch, blinking the sleep away and staring quietly at felix’s carpet.

when chan deemed himself conscious enough, he placed his uncovered feet in the ground, stretching lightly as he made his way to the kitchen, feeling peaceful and light hearted. the rest he just had paired up with felix’s place and the smell of food made him feel younger, more energized than he’s been in a year or so.maybe that’s why he found himself agreeding when the other spurted out a challenge for hyunjin’s party while he was placing ramen on his bowl carefully.

“no but seriously, dude, you’d look so hot. i’d totally hit that!” felix said around a mouthful of noodles, eyes sparkling mischievously as he scanned chan’s broad frame.

“you’d hit that even if i wasn’t wearing crop tops, felix.” chan teased, dumbly posing as he pretended to seduce felix.

and maybe he’d regret agreeing with him, and what was ok. sometimes regret was better than the feeling of longing burning under his skin, and the hungover headache was nothing compared to how his heart felt when it was breaking. so he’d deal with it later.

after they finished eating in comfortable small talk, joking around every now and then, felix guided him by the hand to his closet, showing chan an unbelievable amount of crop tops, fishnets, low waisted jeans and all of those kinky pieces he knew no one could wear better than felix. they had the same height, and while felix could be a lot less broad than chan, oversized clothes didn’t lack in his wardrobe.

“i’m scared for my life.” he complained, running his hand through a couple of skinny jeans placed in felix’s drawer. “don’t you ever get cold? or, you know, at least a tad bit tired of dressing like that?”

“nope!” felix smiled as brightly as the sun, lighting up out of nowhere and approaching chan with a crop top that had a band sign on it. chan didn’t know what band it was, felix neither. “prove it. do you want to try fishnets as well? they might be kind of shitty to put on. i can help you.”

“you just want to see me wearing them.” the older accused, narrowing his eyes at his friend but accepting the help to take off his clothes anyways.

it should be a shame, but it wasn’t. he’s undressed in front of felix too many times to say it made him shy in any way, principally because the other always wiggled his eyebrows in order to make him flustered, and after some time it just got old. he was too comfortable.

felix handed him the pieces, watching as chan managed to fill in his ripped jeans with a fishnet underneath it that went all the way to his abdomen. the crop top served him right, all black like chan usually dressed and a bomber jacket felix gave him so he’d feel less shy. if he were to be honest, the clothes barely received a reaction from him until he took a good look at himself in the mirror, and then he couldn’t blame felix for dressing like that.

his skin seemed paler than ever, muscled tummy showing through the holes in his fishnet as he settled his eyes on the amount of exposed skin. he used to work out back in the day for the looks of it, but now it just turned into a healthy way to cope, even if the abs didn’t hurt when he watched his figure in felix’s mirror. chan felt like the day minho painted his eyes with a new eyeshadow palette someone from his dance class gave him.

“oh, wow.” he said to himself, watching as felix standed beside him, staring. “yeah, i get it. i get why you use this kind of stuff.”

felix snorted, coming over to hug chan in a fit of laughing.

“dumb. you’re so dumb.” he said between giggles, playing with the fishnet’s holes as he doubled over in laughter. “you’re so unbelievably dumb and hot.”

chan felt a smile form in his face against felix’s hair, checking himself in the mirror once more before deeming his verdict: dumb and hot, indeed. black curly hair shining and looking all silky, pale skin contrasting easily with the dark pieces of clothing, skinny jeans hugging his legs; twenty one years. it was truly a good age to have.

“thank you. i’ll pretend to look as dumb as i can tomorrow.” he joked, thinking about how minho would react.

minho. the boy chan adored so much, the boy that made him want to end the whole world. he’d be astounded, he’d giggle and show chan off to everyone because that’s what minho does when he’s surprised. and when they get alone, and minho gets considerably drunker, he’ll admit that it looks good. he’ll even ask to touch the fishnets, all tipsy and smiley, and chan would probably let him put his fingers under it, graze the skin underneath carefully and hook his other hand on his belt so he could bring chan closer and lay his head on his shoulder. it would hurt, with how much his heart would beat against his chest, but it would be the kind of hurt that chan could forget easily with minho soothingly breathing on his neck.

“shut up!” felix slapped him weakly, going back to look around his closet.

he was a rich kid, having come to live alone in the fine age of eighteen to become a trainee. chan didn’t know much about the agency that felix trained in, but he seemed happy when talking about it, and hoped to debut soon. he could see felix as an idol, could imagine his face in outdoors and his freckles being loved all around the world. it just felt fitting for him to receive so much support, owing to the fact that felix always has been the first one to stand up for others.

felix used to ask him to sleep over when he felt particularly lonely. he doesn’t do it anymore, ever since he had his eighteenth birthday and decided he wasn’t going to be a cry baby. chan secretly thought that he was one still.

“so, um, how do we feel about makeup?” his eyebrows went comically up as he came back with a purse in his hand that chan was very certain wasn’t his, because it had “i heart hwang hyunjin” written all over it.

chan looked at it, lips twitching up.

“it was a gift! he gave it to me! stop laughing!” but even felix himself was containing his laugh.

what a hyunjin thing to do, though. and what a even more felix thing to keep it. after he calmed down from laughing, he took the small purse into his hands.

“felix, you don’t use makeup. i’ve never seen you using it.” chan takes eyeshadow out of the bag, inspecting it.

“i don’t. but i’ve seen your profile picture on every social media, i know you look good with it.” he approached chan and took it from his hands, trying to see what he could do with little to no knowledge about makeup.

“minho knows how to paint.” chan tells him, not realizing felix’s scowl. “sorry, out of habit.”

“you’re so whipped, that’s disgusting.” the younger thinks about it, hands scratching his chin slowly. “do you know anyone that knows how to use makeup? besides minho, obviously.”

“uh, hyunjin might know? i’ve seen him wearing makeup before.” felix hears him with a teasing smile, knowing fully well about chan’s and hyunjin’s story together. “why are you looking at me like that?”

“nothing.” he giggles, leaving the small bag where it previously was. “we’ll see it tomorrow. take the clothes off and go take a shower, you stink.”

chan made a face, heading to the bathroom halfway through taking off the clothes and borrowing new and more comfortable ones on his way. he watched felix picking up his clothes, annoyed, and folding them before placing them wherever. after he showered, his eyelids became to get heavy again, exhaustion dawning at him once more when he looked over to felix’s digital clock and saw how late it truly was.

when he fell asleep for the second time that day, chan couldn’t remember feeling anything. just his own hot breath and a few drops of water coming from his hair.

 

the day of hyunjin’s party passed quickly, chan working and attending classes in his automatic mode while keeping himself focused on the different things that made him happy about his life. he thought about his friends, about making music, about that one time he took cooking classes with changbin because the other was interested in a girl that studied gastronomy. all of those moments where he felt in love came to his mind, not necessarily romantic but just as important. chan found himself pondering over his last prom dance, over the movie he saw with felix and they both cried so hard about it for a week or so, over minho’s eyes when chan told him that he looked pretty even if he wore ugly clothes.

when he got to felix’s place by eleven, his mind started to work once again, taking in how the sky looked particularly dark and lithered in little white stars and how his shoes pressed against the concrete. he kept realizing random things around him until he opened the door to his friend’s apartament, where felix and hyunjin were in the couch yelling loudly over an argument.

“what do you mean water is not wet- it’s _water_ , hyunjin.” felix said through gritted teeth, eyebrows furrowed.

“no! it isn’t it! water causes wetness but it is not wet!” hyunjin yelled back, throwing a pillow in felix’s face weakly. the other whined, shooting another annoyed look at him.

“what the- you’re so lucky you’re pretty. you’re so dumb, hyunjin.” he seemed to not notice chan’s presence in the doorway as he came forward and pinched hyunjin’s arm, annoyed.

chan forced a cough, making both of them look over. felix broke into a smile while hyunjin’s eyes went down to his own shoes, cheeks reddening.

“chan hyung!” felix yelled, this time a lot happier. he got closer, wrapping his arms around chan’s shoulders in greeting.

chan place a hand on the small of felix’s back, smiling at hyunjin through the smaller boy’s shoulder. hyunjin smiled back shyly, hands rubbing at his nape as he approached chan and pecked him in the cheek. “hi, hyung.”

“hi, jinnie.” he broke apart from felix’s grip, dropping a few bags full of clothes on the floor. “felix, i didn’t know what you thought i had in my house, but i gathered all the pieces i could find.”

hyunjin grabbed one of them, looking briefly to its content before handing it to felix with a comic look. they shared a reaction before giving it to the older boy again, this time hyunjin grabbing his wrist instead and taking him away from the bags.

“leave it to the ones who know how to dress, chanie.” his other australian friend joked, coming ahead of them and guiding hyunjin and him to his bedroom, where the same set of clothes he wore the night before waited for him at his bed.

“oh, where are them? when do they get here? i’m excited.” chan joked, flicking felix’s forehead in annoyance, causing the other’s lower lip to jut out the tiniest bit.

“shut up and change your clothes.” hyunjin rolled his eyes, throwing the clothing at him before storming out, dragging an unsatisfied felix behind.

he did as hyunjin told, though, because after all the boy was the one doing his makeup and he could easily make him a mess. chan wouldn’t even notice. after dressing up, he felt sort of cold, the weather making him shiver from where his belly was exposed and the jeans weren’t exactly warm to korean winter either.

“felix, i’m cold.” he complained, wrapping his arms around himself and looking for a jacket.

“it’s because the apartment is cold, but you’ll get hot when we go out.” came the nonchalant reply from felix, who was far away choosing one outfit for himself.

chan looks around for hyunjin, finding the boy already dolled up in the kitchen table, makeup sprawled all over its extent. he quickly makes his way towards him, hugging him with cold arms and burrowing his nose on his neck. he felt hyunjin’s ears warm up a little bit, but the other laughed and soon it was gone. he held on tight to chan’s hand on his collarbone, warming it.

“hyung, you’re freezing.” he shivers and squirms away from chan’s hold, picking his wrist up and making him sit down instead. “are you done? good.”

hyunjin goes away from a minute before he comes back with a few makeup brushes, hovering chan’s face with the thicker one. “close your eyes, please, let’s make you even more beautiful.”

hyunjin’s breath washed over his face as he applied makeup on his face easily, brushes making him relax against his chair and almost fall asleep if it wasn’t for the bad position he was sitting on. chan didn’t feel the time go by, only noticing it was over when hyunjin stepped back to look at his work.

“all done, hottie. you look like someone’s babydoll.” chan opened his eyes again as hyunjin looked around for a hand mirror, finding it after a while and shoving it in chan’s face.

yeah. he understands why people do that. he’s not going to wear makeup and clothes like that all the time from now on, but he totally gets why people go out of their way to look like this. it truly does wonders for someone’s self esteem.

“shit, i really do.” he stares at his image in the mirror, nothing like he usually would see looking right back at him.

“might be by the end of the night.” felix came around, already dressed up and combing his hair.

no one could wear that kind of look better than felix, that chan was sure of. he was wearing skinny black jeans and a half open dress shirt, choker firmly around his neck and a thigh one on his right leg just for the aesthetic. chan knew hyunjin’s mouth was wide even before looking at him.

“i don’t think so, mate. you look like someone’s hot foreigner boyfriend.” chan says in all seriousness, before getting out of his chair and approaching felix to tap his shoulder gently, voice softening considerably at his next words. “but nothing too much, ok? you’re still a minor.”

both hyunjin and felix grunted in annoyance. chan was protective, but he’d rather die than let his friends get into shady stuff or mix up with creeps.

“i know. and no drinking.” felix said, grabbing his keys and heading to the door. hyunjin and chan followed him, though the first one with a pout.

hyunjin was aware that chan meant only good, and he probably was the best guy out there to keep them safe, but still. he felt like a child being scolded.

 

the ride to hyunjin’s house was filled with laughter and excitement, chan in the driver seat as hyunjin sat beside him with felix on the back, blasting loud music while they laughed out. times like these sort of bring something in chan he didn’t knew he had, one sparkle of carelessness in his heart that spreaded to his whole body and turned his usual shy personality in a life of the party kind of guy. he felt confident, happy in a way that he missed so much, pleased in all of his senses.

when they got there, his stomach started to sink and bubble up in anxiety, even if his smile was light-hearted and his head felt dizzy. he grinned, watching the whole place decorated but still empty. people would start coming a few minutes from now, so he helped hyunjin tidying up the place for guests.

he didn’t see the first people entering. he didn’t recall seeing the crowd forming either, but after ten minutes or so, he found himself, surrounded by people dancing to loud music with a plastic cup in his hands that had a shady looking liquid in it that he’d regret drinking in the morning. chan received a few catcalls, someone asked for his number (he gave it to them with a flustered smile) and one girl named seulgi even bumped fists with him because they had similar outfits. the attention was nice, and he was having fun, but chan has always been sort of awkward with dancing, something that surely wasn’t his best talent and never would be.

he knew someone who was the absolute best at dancing, though.

between all of this chaotic day and his heart thumping loudly on his ears, he kind of forgot to think about minho. his love wasn’t something he was reminded of every time, but when he gets the time to actually think about minho, he’s starstruck. his heart becomes ten times heavier and his eyes can’t stay focused, and that’s just how he feels right now, looking through flushed bodies and not seeing a pair of familiar leopard eyes and a toothy grin. chan feels the corner of his lips going down, and he can see his frowned eyebrows, but he can’t stop himself before he scowls. he misses minho.

that was both surprising and scary, because he usually longed for something, but never knew exactly what. sure, in good days, the subtle pain on his chest goes away without him even noticing it, but on bad ones he just feels terrible and never gets to fight it because he doesn’t know why. however, missing minho, who is something very real and palpable, he can physically embody the hurt in his heart. he can feel the lingering of his fingers in his skin and the smile against his neck even if it isn’t there. chan feels his absence like it’s a part of his own body.

he tries to escape the crowd, moving his limbs to the living room and sitting on the couch with a tiny pout, mind suddely filled with pictures of minho smiling, minho dancing, minho making him sit in his lap, minho sitting in his lap, everything he could remember of the younger boy. how dumb, he thought, how dumb and in love.

the song blaring through the speakers in hyunjin’s house had the singer chanting “from now on, i’ll love myself instead of you” in a dramatic voice, and chan closed his eyes while laying his head back in the couch. he wondered if one day he would actually get over the way minho clings to his existence.

chan stays still for a moment, the party becoming white noise as he focus on his mind. the couch is hard and his heart is warm, making his stomach burn with anxiety for something he doesn’t know. his body aches, and he feels tipsy with how many sips of alcohol he had. he doesn’t remember how or why, he just remembers drinking whatever changbin gave him and then running away from him and felix to dance.

he doesn’t registers how much time he has spent there until he hears shuffling and a few whispers saying his name. chan thought of opening his eyes, and tried to convince himself of it as the noise seemed to get closer and closer. when his eyelids opened, he almost wished they closed again on their own will.

blonde hair pushing through the crowd, denim jacket with pins on a slim frame. the room narrowed to him only, a halo glowing over his silly grin, and suddenly no one could protect him from his own softness. looking at minho felt like a ray of sun growing out of his face, like the feeling of finishing a song he’s been working on for so long he doesn’t even remember that he needs sleep.

chan clutches his heart in pain. this too shall pass away, right?

except it doesn’t because then minho is hovering over his face, all giggly and happy to see him. chan hates it just as much as he loves it.

he’s too tired and too drunk and too sunk into love to know what to do.

“hyung!” he all but throws himself over chan in a crushing hug, not as bubbly as he can be but the way he knows minho is: confident, touching him like he knows more than chan does.

chan gets flustered easily, not shying away from minho’s gaze but keeping his hands to himself. “hi, min.”

minho is wearing black eyeliner and chan can smell the chapstick on his lips. he’s so close, chan could just lick it off if he weren’t so dizzy.

“you look good, hyung.”

“do i?” chan asks, perhaps too quick, but minho ignores it to look at the body under his, eyes darting quickly to chan’s eyes, asking for permission. the older nods, unsure.

minho purses his lips, an eyebrow raised. “you do. why the sudden fashion change?”

he adjusts himself, sitting beside chan instead of on top of him, but throwing his legs over the older’s lap anyway. the younger leans his weight on his hands, looking at chan like he wants to wine and dine him, and _oh_. chan feels exposed.

“i don’t know. just wanted to try something new. is it bad?” he asks, suddenly too eager to hear more about minho’s thoughts on his outfit.

minho looked like he finally understood it, shamelessly checking out one more time before shifting again and snuggling on him in the couch, wrapping an arm around chan’s broad shoulders with a smirk. chan thinks he sees one guy that has been staring at him the whole night backing away after looking at minho’s expression, but he isn’t sure.

“you look…” he trailed off, seeming unsure of what word to use. chan gulped around a dry throat. “hot.”

minho whispers the last part, sounding very sober and the flirtiest chan can remember him being. it does something to him, a stroke of heat washing over his body that dries his lips and makes his tongue dart out of his mouth. he feels his neck get hot, his cheeks reddening and his otherwise cold hands get clammy and eager to touch.

“are you drunk?” chan changes the subject, because he has to know if minho’s bedroom eyes are only his imagination or the fruit of a very alcoholized minho.

“no. do i seem drunk?”

chan snorts.

“a bit, not gonna lie.”

just like that, minho’s back to his usual self. he always does that — jokingly flirts with chan until the older boy deems a line to it, what makes him go back to being the minho he always knew.

“sorry, hyung.” but now it still sounds flirty, even if minho isn’t batting his eyelashes anymore or giving him bedroom eyes. his arm stays wrapped firmly around chan, and he burrows his nose on the other’s neck. “you smell nice and look good. you’re dressing yourself up so prettily for whose eyes?”

chan swallows his spit, heart aggressively thumping against his cage and he doesn’t want to hear this. one part of him wants to hear minho’s compliments for the whole night, and the other is ordering him to run away and never come back.

_minho doesn’t mean it. minho doesn’t mean it. minho doesn’t mean-_

“why? are you jealous?” his mouth betrays him before his brain considers it, confident facade strong when he meets minho’s half lidded eyes.

“i may be, chanie. but only slightly, because you’re a nice boy that doesn’t show off to everyone.” chan wants to laugh and cry, because he imagined those words coming from minho’s mouth a lot of times but he never realized it would sound so awkward and hot at the same time.

“that means you’re not nice, then. you always shows off.” he starts giggling, not holding back because it eases his shame. chan doesn’t know if he’s laughing out of embarrassment or panic. probably both.

minho watches him as he doubles over in nervous laughter but real nonetheless, hands coming to grab both his wrists as he cracks one smile of his own, eyes disappearing. chan loves him to bits.

“why are you laughing? why is it so funny?” but he’s also snickering, gripping chan’s hands and looking unbelievably hot with a chain around his neck and that damn tight jacket. once they calmed down, he leaned his head against chan’s shoulder, speaking up again. “do you want to know something cool?”

“yeah.” chan cuddles closer before he knows, numb by all the laughter and comfortable enough to fall asleep with minho’s voice only.

“i wanted to flirt with you tonight, chanie. why do you make it so hard?” his minho intoxicated mind doesn’t register what his words mean, just gapes his mouth and exclaims a tiny ‘oh’.

“i’m sorry. try again.” chan whines, squeezing minho’s hand in encouragement.

“no, now i just want to cuddle you.” minho nuzzles his shoulder, taking deep breaths as if he wants to choke on chan’s cologne.

“you are cuddling me already, loser.” chan slaps him weakly, closing his eyes and letting out a tiny laugh. “you shouldn’t flirt with me, though. it makes me sad.”

minho’s brows furrow, his eyes questioning as he looks up to chan. but the older boy is too gone to care, eyes closed and crop top riled all the way up to his ribs. minho avoids his glance, suddenly shy. “well, if you didn’t want me to flirt with you you shouldn’t have wore this outfit.”

“but you don’t like me like that!” chan whines on his hair.

“what do you mean? i love you, hyung.” minho says it so easily, answers so quickly, chan doesn’t want to disagree with him.

“yeah, but as a friend. i like you like… like a boyfriend.”

minho’s eyes shoot at him, surprised, mouth agape at his whispered confession. he keeps staring at him, like a statue, and chan presses his eyes shut again, laying his head on minho’s shoulder instead. he pretends to sleep, but the younger shakes his shoulders gently, making him look up.

“and who… who said that i don’t like you as a boyfriend?” minho looks upset, eyes watering as if a fatal blow has just fallen upon him.

chan wonders if he did something wrong. if in his drunk mind he managed to get sadness out of one of the brightest people he knows, and chan doesn’t want it. doesn’t mean it.

minho is so beautiful, so kind. he doesn’t want to hurt him.

“why are you crying?” he gets closer, pressing his finger on minho’s cheek before cupping his face, thumb caressing the corner of his eyes. minho seems to get even sadder at that, looking down to where chan’s belly stood uncovered.

“i’m not, i’m not.” eventually comes his answer, shifting his eyes up and pressing his forehead against chan’s. the older boy stares, confused. “it’s just- you’re just- you’re so lovable. i hate knowing i made you think i don’t like you like i do.”

minho blames himself for things really often, chan knows it because he and jisung are the only ones who see him when he’s tired and worn out, too exhausted to keep facing the world with a smile. when his drunk mind reminds him of the way minho believes every wrong thing is his fault, he frowns.

“it’s not your fault. sorry, i’m stupid.” chan presses a kiss to the middle of his eyebrows. minho closes his eyes.

“i know you’re stupid.” he sighs, hand coming to play with the hem of chan’s shirt. “you’re so stupid, i like you so much. so much, fuck.”

chan smiles, all dimples and white teeth. minho wants to kiss him, but he stops himself before he can even think about how his lips would feel against the other’s. he wants to kiss him when he’s sober, so chan can remember every bit of it.

“i like you too, but you already knew that.” chan leans in, eyes closed and lips puckered, but minho stops him with a hand on his chest. the other boy looks at it, confused.

“no, you’re drunk. i won’t kiss you drunk.”

the older boy pouts, what makes minho almost give into it, almost. he laughs, taking his hand to chan’s face and booping his nose, only shying away when the other grabs his wrist and kisses around his finger playfully.

“what if i drink lots of water and sober up?” chan asks expectantly, eyes shining and imploring. too bad to minho’s heart.

“baby, you won’t sober up by drinking water. just wait until tomorrow.” minho flicks his forehead with a knowing smile, letting chan cuddle against him like a baby bird clinging to his mama.

it’s soft, it’s good. it places a overwhelmingly sweetness in minho’s gut, like he just ate the homemade cookies his mom bought him when he was younger. chan’s fingers are gentle from where they’re resting against minho’s thigh, and his head on his shoulder is a comforting weight, peaceful breath lulling him to sleep. he rocks the boy laying on him calmly, swinging them side to side until he yawns.

they go to minho’s house a few minutes after that, chan clinging to his back as minho tried to find his keys. they slept on minho’s bedroom, burrowed in layers of covers and wrapped around each other. chan drooled a bit on minho’s collarbones, but as the other took in his puffy face and closed eyes, he decided it wasn’t worth the bickering anyway.

 

  
(the first thing chan did when he woke up that morning was pressing his chapped lips to minho’s, who complained about his morning breath but still kissed him senseless. after they both brushed their teeth, he lost count of how many times they kissed.)

(jisung almost choked up on his cereal when he saw chan coming out of minho’s bedroom wearing only a crop top and underwear. minho followed behind, one hand lazily sitting on the older’s waist. he and jisung had a high five when they thought chan wasn’t looking.)

(he was.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. two (extra)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gay. he experiments around it, lets his tongue understand how heavy it feels in his mouth, coughs along with the word as if it chokes him. hyunjin shouldn’t be that scared of the way his insides burn when he says it out loud, shouldn’t let himself get so far that the letters feel like poison, but he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh. hi!  
> i wasnt going to add one more chapter to this, but. i love hyunjin's and felix's characters a lot, and it would eat at me if i didnt write something about them, so here it is!  
> it's a small hyunlix extra, because i got really happy with the comments and i wanted to show how thankful i truly am. also, this is heavily inspired by pride month ending and my gay ass wanting to write about the worst part of accepting yourself, something i'm struggling with right now.  
> this passes in the same day as the first chapter, except its a bit after the party and they both decide to sneak out bc things were getting too messy. hope you like it~ ♡

hyunjin isn’t sure about how it started.

he doesn’t remember waking up one day and feeling his heart at the edge of breaking with the amount of love it held, nor he remembers glancing across the room and seeing something more than just dark hair and freckles. it itches his skin and blows his attention away how easily being - somehow, somewhere, somewhat - in love has blended so easily within his daily life. perhaps he has always been carrying it around, a planted seed of tenderness throbbing into his heart with the need of being watered, being cared for, but the thought scares him more than it probably should.

so he doesn’t try to think about it. he eats up the affection he has with the hunger of a thousand mans, savours the sweetness on his tongue heavily and breaks down when it’s too much, when hyunjin shivers and squirms to get away from his own feelings. hyunjin doesn’t want to feel so very deeply, given to the fact that anyone who has been in his shoes knows that it can be a curse just as easily as it can be a blessing, yet he still finds himself soaking into the warmth of his stomach and praying, hoping, chanting that he’ll make it out alive. he’d be damned if he didn’t.

it didn’t used to mean something. as hyunjin thinks about it now, it scares him how much it used to be simple and how it isn’t now. he used to be so confident, so glad to just be around felix and get to run to his arms when he feels down, so naive thinking that his heart remained tamed where it rested in his chest. felix used to be so much lighter, a tiny crush on an entire sea of passion, not much more than a small bright room in a dark building. what used to be a beacon of dazzle gained enough power to color the whole sky with shades of glow.

as he lays down on felix’s chest and breathes into his scent to not starve, hyunjin decides that he’d only get the same feeling if he went to a forest and laid on the ground for a whole night, breathing in the smell of trees and dangerously reminded of how human he is. felix smells like his bed when his dog gave birth in it, like the beach when it’s night and there’s only faint noise, like a shade of life hyunjin never felt before. the body under his contains so much vivacity trapped between its lungs it feels hard to breathe without wanting to be engulfed into his scent.

he’s terrified of felix. he doesn’t want to lie about it. he’s terrified because when he holds his fragile body it feels like a small light bulb in his rough hands, as if he could press a bit harder with his fingers and watch as his light falls apart, burning his hand along the way. his skin is melted honey and warm all over, and it’s absolutely frightening how hyunjin’s pale arms seem to match with the other’s sun kissed skin. when he breathes, he’s quiet and painfully normal, casual, familiar, so belonging it makes hyunjin want to be natural in his life too. no one belongs to the world more than felix.

they’re laying down in felix’s bedroom, window skanked open and curtains flying with the wind as the moon watched down on him knowingly, her light reflecting into the room so carefully it numbs his mind. he’s wrapped around felix, party clothes long forgotten as he burrows closer, seeks warmth and squeezes his arms to guarantee himself that it’s real. hyunjin doesn’t know how to let go, doesn’t want to, but he feels felix is so ahead of him it would be painfully selfish to drag him down with his love. he’d be the worst person he ever if he dug felix’s grave with his love.

hyunjin remembers felix telling him that he’s close to debuting like he remembers his heart scattering across the floor and minho’s hands on his. the day it happened feels as clear as water, his mind torn apart between proudness and the guilt on his gut eating him alive. felix had smiled, tinted cheeks and the warmest eyes he’s ever seen saying that this time, he could even imagine what it would feel like. and hyunjin doesn’t want to ruin it.

but it gets hard sometimes, keeping himself away from felix, especially when he knows the other feels the same as him. he does it anyways, because love for a men is exactly what could ruin his beloved’s dreams of making it big, of shining like hyunjin knows he’s supposed to. it breaks his heart, folds it in half and bends it until hyunjin’s shaking and crying with guilt, wanting nothing more than to be different. on bad days, he fights himself, rubs his skin roughly in the shower and locks himself away from his mom. he forces himself to look at girls in another light, tries to convince his stubborn heart that felix’s affection is purely platonic, even forces himself to watch the dirty videos about women he knows boys his age are expected to like, but it never works. it always leave him hollow on the inside and with the taste of vomit in his mouth.

hyunjin suffers the most from being gay. all of his friends seem to accept themselves much quicker than he does, some even saying that they had known all along but were scared to admit it to themselves, and it makes him sick. everybody looks like they’re moving on and living life as they should, proud and denying anything other than the best, while hyunjin knows that his heart eats at him every time he has to say the three letters word.

gay. he experiments around it, lets his tongue understand how heavy it feels in his mouth, coughs along with the word as if it chokes him. hyunjin shouldn’t be that scared of the way his insides burn when he says it out loud, shouldn’t let himself get so far that the letters feel like poison, but he is. he is because he’s young, because his life is nowhere as close to be figured out as changbin’s or minho’s is. there are plenty of things he doesn’t know shit about, he’s not sure what the fuck he’s even going to do when he finishes high school, and between it all, he only knows for sure that he’s gay. and that he’s in love.

it is confusing, but even more, it’s the most annoying certainty life could ever give him. by now, he should be making music like jisung, or writing for colleges around the world like seungmin, even graffiting around the streets like son chaeyoung from his art class does. he should be doing something, he should be certain of more than the fact he’s attracted to boys. hyunjin feels like that simple little detail about him consumes his whole existence, burns his other opportunities in flames and keeps him malfunctioning.

deep down he knows it’s not true, and that it’s just internalized homophobia messing with his already fragile mind, but his heart doesn’t stop heaving with guilt and his chest is still aggressively scratched where felix once kissed him. he wants to throw up. the other feels too hot against his skin, burning up like the sun in his arms, feverish and about to blow. his head lays under stars in a different galaxy, another dimension, refusing to accept what’s so obviously placed in his heart. he suffers, but hyunjin has become used to it by now.

he starts shuffling in bed, afraid of annoying felix but too in panic to think it through. hyunjin needs air, needs to scream, to run. he gets off the bed as calmly as he can, anxiety bubbling in his chest but still deadly worried about felix’s sleep. there’s something under his skin, some siren playing loudly in his chest, that makes his hands curl up into fists and his eyes open aggressively, focused on the task of going to the bathroom and puking his stomach out. hyunjin is not sick, he knows the reason why he’s about to throw up and wishes it was because he drank too much of the booze in his refrigerator. he’s throwing up because he’s grossed out by himself.

a thought in the back of his mind tickles at his ear. _this isn’t the first time you do this._

another wave of nausea hits him, and hyunjin runs, runs through the corridor and throws himself to his knees in front of the toilet, vomiting his dinner almost instantly. the bathroom smells like felix’s perfume, too small even with an open door. hyunjin feels claustrophobic, but more than that, his thoughts are clogging up with the way felix seems to be everywhere around the house, in every damn tile and running with the water. he closes his eyes, lets it wash over him with the guilt flaring up in his heart like a balloon, and he admits two things to himself.

he’s tired. and he can’t keep this up anymore. hyunjin can’t keep gnawing at his guilt, he can’t stay between the claws of sadness anymore, he doesn’t want to fight it. he doesn’t want to force himself to be something he isn’t, because his body feels too weak and his throat feels like it’s sealed and filled with concrete. hyunjin presses his back against the wall, cooling his sweaty skin off and making him shiver. his eyes close, heavy, like someone was pressing two burning hot stones over his eyelids.

_one minute. two minutes. three minutes. four. five. six._

he’s been there before. he can get up, he knows he can.

 _seven. eight. nine. ten_. he hears the bedroom door opening, listening closely to felix’s feet padding in the ground. closer.

hyunjin can get up. but he doesn’t want to.

 _eleven. twelve. thirteen._ his breath ritches when he hears felix in the doorway. eyes still tightly shut. _fourteen. fifteen_.

a small hand grazes the fabric of his shirt by touching his shoulder, grabbing him and shaking a little. hyunjin murmurs a small answer, leaving his disapprovance of opening his eyes clear. felix’s hand unsurely goes away, warmth leaving him as quickly as it came. he swallows. they say quiet for a minute, hyunjin in fear and felix in thought, before the smaller sat beside him in a bold display of how much he cared, laying his head on hyunjin’s shoulder so heavily he thinks his skin might be bruised from where it connects with felix’s.

hyunjin wants to cry, because being touched by felix was enough to remind him of everything he tried to forget for so long. the way their skin met had hyunjin in a mess of broken sobs and heartfelt tears, squeaking honest i’m sorry’s and a few lies of how he didn’t felt as bad as he looked. he didn’t dare to look at felix, though, only draining his stare to the toilet in front of him, hiccuping.

he could feel felix’s stare on his face, on his neck, all over his body and dare he say on his heart. hyunjin was so sure the other would say something, shower him in sickeningly sweet love confessions and hug him enough to make hyunjin cough up an apology to his behavior, he was already bracing himself for the moment their skin would meet. felix only kept staring. his brown eyes were attentive as he let hyunjin cry his heart out, eyes irritated and puffy, almost choking in his sobs as he fisted the fabric of his shirt angrily. hyunjin wasn’t one to cry in front of people, even if he did cry often because he’s sensitive and sometimes everything just hurts too much, but felix was so quiet, so silent, he almost forgot the boy was there.

he let hyunjin calm down and start to breath evenly by himself, let the other run his hands through his body to check if everything was okay, and waited for hyunjin’s eyes to stare back at his. they were as red as hyunjin’s lips, the skin around it looking painfully bruised and his eyelashes filled with thick tears. felix didn’t want to think hyunjin looked beautiful when he cried, because he never hated anything more than he hates seeing hyunjin crying.

“do you want to go back to bed?” that’s all he asks, voice low and rough from sleep, but still trying to pronounce the words as gingerly as he could. they seemed to dance on his mouth, ballerinas twirling and jumping over the sounds delicately. he wanted hyunjin to feel safe.

something in his mind made a sound of a window breaking. _please don’t ever look sad again_.

hyunjin thinks about it, now that he feels a lot more calmer than he was otherwise. yes, he wants to sleep, but more than that, he wants to call chan and tell him all about how he feels. he wants to reach out for someone older, someone who would understand, because then he’d get it off his chest easier. he’d breathe again, cuddled under chan’s and minho’s wing, both of them telling him they love him, that it’s okay, that not everyone accepts themselves right away and that it takes time. they would make him comfortable and secure, two things hyunjin hasn’t felt in a long time.

 _but_ , he’s exhausted. the weight on his shoulders makes him feel like he’s on the verge of breaking his back to try to understand himself, and his hands still lay weak on his lap. felix is warm, good. hyunjin wants to let himself have that for the night, wants to wake up and feel nothing but the well known butterflies in his stomach and the lingering sweetness in the back of his throat. his head hurts badly, eats at him and screams on his ear to solve things right now, but as he looks at felix, really looks at him, he doesn’t want to. it could wait till the morning, they could wait to talk about their feelings and hyunjin could wait to accept himself as much as he accepts others.

felix made time stop for him that night, when they laid again and there was no doubt or fear in the way hyunjin nuzzled his neck and pressed a thankful kiss to his jaw. his mind was clear again, and he made the choice to not let it consume him, because they were felix and hyunjin and things were as simple as that. it was love because hyunjin was himself and because felix was felix, so he didn’t need to fear. whatever would happen in the morning, he had that one night to hold on to.

when he fell asleep again, peaceful and content, hyunjin repeated to himself the few things he was certain of.

one, he was gay. he didn’t know much about it, and his mom’s reaction still worried him. he was still nervous, but he decided that he didn’t had anything to come out for. straight isn’t the default.

two, he’s in love. he’s so sure it hurts, so aware of his heart that he can feel all of its holes and all the ways felix filled them up with his essence.

three, he loves him back. felix is tightly pressed against him, arms wrapped around hyunjin’s shoulders and his favorite cover was pulled all the way up the taller’s hips. hyunjin just knows.

and four, he wants to get better. he might not know now, but hyunjin has had enough bad days. from now on, he’ll love himself a little more.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading~~ this is the biggest work i have ever wrote in english, and ya girl is insecure as hell, but i think the satisfation i had when i finished it gave me the encouragement to actually publish this fic. i wasn't even going to write something this long, but i kind of forgot that and pulled 8k words out of my ass in three days(?).  
> anyways, minchan will Rise and keep safe~ hope you liked it!


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